Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
You Might Also Like
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday