“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
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*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
men, we mow at sunrise.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I鈥檓 not pucking kidding either.
I鈥檓 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I have a new favorite meme page
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 馃ぃ
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
11鈥檚 science fair volcano lost because they didn鈥檛 appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Man Who Didn鈥檛 Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it鈥檚 only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it鈥檚 not awkward.
Me: I鈥檓 pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.