Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
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KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I have questions??
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
The opposite of Iceland is water water
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.