Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better