Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
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Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Peace was never an option
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
🤣🤣🤣
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut