SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
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my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…