*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
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“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?