I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
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No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas