Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
You Might Also Like
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.