I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
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You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Need this in my life lol
Banking tips
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied