Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
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The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
HERE’S MARKY
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.