> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
im 7 sauces long
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.