Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
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daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.