This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
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“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
i wish i could marry a nap
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Just as the prophecy foretold
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I think this should do it.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?