All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
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Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
There’s never enough good news
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.