No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
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The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar