[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
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Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.