When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.