*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
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[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad