When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.