Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Ha
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep