4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
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Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.