Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
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As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time