Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
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An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.