I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
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Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.