If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
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me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I put the p in pants.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!