Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
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83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.