“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
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My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
liiiiiiiiike
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
A wise man once said nothing.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.