‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
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People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Bros before Ohioes
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Awesome parenting 😂
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too