[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
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my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.