When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
You Might Also Like
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently