me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
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*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced