[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
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I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.