We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
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“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.