Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
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me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”