Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
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Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Plant care tips
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning