At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
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“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
felt that
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games