“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
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Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say