a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
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Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Always…
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked