I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
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Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
adam and eve had first world problems
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.