As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
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You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I have so many questions.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Worst Native American name ever.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Mmmm. Shoeshi