[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
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No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.