I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
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Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
You can’t rush stupid.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Yeah. This was me today.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
This classic never gets old . . .
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE