Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
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The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”