When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
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[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
According to math, I’m broke
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
new shirt idea
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.