Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
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This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?