I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
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that colleague who touches your screen
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
this has to be peak English
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*