I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.