Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.