CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?